Monday, August 06, 2007

Lonely until

Yesterday my son went to camp. This morning my lover left for home. Today I am lonely. SO I will blog.

I won't miss Teddy tomorrow or the day after - as I will have settled into my solitary life. But today the house seems so quiet. No TV set on. No questions about what we are going to have for dinner or do tomorrow. No unnecessary lights on. No announcements of where he is going or that he is back. No one to feed the rabbits. No one to remind me to eat. Just me.

I don't get the chance to be lonely often. I sometimes think of Teddy and me being attached at the hip. I support him in the work he does. He supports me in the work I do. We enjoy doing the same things. I have to know where he is at all times. I never get to stop being responsible - no matter how independent he becomes.

I do get breaks from him. 4-5 hours in the summer when he goes to the pool or during the school year when he goes ot school. But the only time we are away from each other for more than a few hours is when he goes to camp for a week in August and December.

Rich is here when he leaves - so the first day Teddy is gone is rather blissful. A day where Rich and I can be alone with each other. We make love for hours on end without any concerns. We go to a wonderful romantic restaurant and I don't have to feel a bit of guilt for leaving Teddy home alone with his pizza. I feel more free than almost any other day of the year.

But than as is typical, Rich leaves and the silence without Teddy gets so loud. Today I miss Teddy. Today I feel a loss. Today I worry if he is having a good time and if he is fitting in. Today all my fears about a young man with Down syndrome going to a camp for teenagers without disabilities being OK are on alert. Today I worry. Today I miss the men I love. Today I blog.

Tomorrow I read uninterrupted. Tomorrow I play music all day. Tomorrow I cook with ingredients Teddy doesn't like. Tomorrow is mine and mine alone. Tomorrow will be wonderful!


Martina said...

This is really beautiful. A typical "mom" blog, just better written

Susan said...

Thanks Martina!!!!