My friend is out of the coma ever so slightly. She has come out of it and gone back in. She has refused medication she was getting while in her coma and then become paranoid and hysterical. When they calmed her down she went back into the coma. They have turned off all the machines that have been keeping her alive. I never thought I would be for doing this, but I am. The doctors said it was time to find out whether she wanted to fight to live or not. It's not clear yet what is going to happen. She seems to be living in limbo. Sometimes I wish one thing would happen and others times I wish the other. I wish she could be who she was before, but since I don't think she will, maybe it is best if....oh I can't even write the words.
In the meantime her daughter has spoken her first word. I am so excited. Her first word was prego - which is please in Italian. Her dad is Italian. I think it is such a wonderful first word. My first word was cookie. Prego is such a polite word - a sign of good breeding - a sign that she has a father who truly respects her as a person. Please let her have the wonderful life she deserves!
Showing posts with label Relationships. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Relationships. Show all posts
Thursday, October 04, 2007
Sunday, September 16, 2007
Hanging on
My friend is still in a coma. Her fiance is struggling with what to do about her life. It is hard to be a support person to help a person make their own decision when you have very very definite ideas about the choice you think they should make. Or at least you did for awhile.
She has two doctors - one which says pull the plug, she will never recover and the other who says it is too early to tell, she is still improving. He says in one minute he is so tired of waiting and not knowing and having her not react to him at all - and then he says he will hold her hand forever waiting for her to wake-up.
His life is on hold while he waits for her to wake up. I want to help him move on with his life without feeling as if he is abandoning her. He worries if he is not there everyday by her bedside it will be his fault if she dies. But he is 22 and college is important. He needs to make money to support himself and his daughter. He can't be there everyday and give their 8 month old the attention she needs.
So does a point come where because her quality of life has to be set aside because two other people - the only other two people who truly care if she lives or dies - can't spend much time with her- so she shouldn't live anymore? We don't know what, if any, awareness she has - perhaps it doesn't matter to her that no one visits her for several days. Perhaps she is healing and has no sense of time. Is her life any less valuable because she spends days of it alone?
But I also wonder if the reason she doesn't wake up from her coma is that she doesn't want to. She, after all, attempted suicide. Could living be torture for her? She can't get the therapy she needs now to want to live. If she could - would she say pull the plug? We all have the right to refuse treatment, but she can't refuse it. Is it wrong to give life sustaining treatment to a person who has attempted suicide and failed?
I don't know anymore. I was sure before that she should be given as much time as she needed to recover. Months, years, whatever it took. But now I wonder. Is she hanging on or is she being tortured by being forced to live?
We can only guess.
Note: Everytime I post about these friends - something new happens. Well about the time I was writing this she woke up again. Still not communicating, but her eyes are open and she is tracking things.
End of day - she is moving a little, talking a little - things are looking good.
She has two doctors - one which says pull the plug, she will never recover and the other who says it is too early to tell, she is still improving. He says in one minute he is so tired of waiting and not knowing and having her not react to him at all - and then he says he will hold her hand forever waiting for her to wake-up.
His life is on hold while he waits for her to wake up. I want to help him move on with his life without feeling as if he is abandoning her. He worries if he is not there everyday by her bedside it will be his fault if she dies. But he is 22 and college is important. He needs to make money to support himself and his daughter. He can't be there everyday and give their 8 month old the attention she needs.
So does a point come where because her quality of life has to be set aside because two other people - the only other two people who truly care if she lives or dies - can't spend much time with her- so she shouldn't live anymore? We don't know what, if any, awareness she has - perhaps it doesn't matter to her that no one visits her for several days. Perhaps she is healing and has no sense of time. Is her life any less valuable because she spends days of it alone?
But I also wonder if the reason she doesn't wake up from her coma is that she doesn't want to. She, after all, attempted suicide. Could living be torture for her? She can't get the therapy she needs now to want to live. If she could - would she say pull the plug? We all have the right to refuse treatment, but she can't refuse it. Is it wrong to give life sustaining treatment to a person who has attempted suicide and failed?
I don't know anymore. I was sure before that she should be given as much time as she needed to recover. Months, years, whatever it took. But now I wonder. Is she hanging on or is she being tortured by being forced to live?
We can only guess.
Note: Everytime I post about these friends - something new happens. Well about the time I was writing this she woke up again. Still not communicating, but her eyes are open and she is tracking things.
End of day - she is moving a little, talking a little - things are looking good.
Thursday, September 06, 2007
Love Penalty
Gay marriage isn't legal. Same sex couples want the right to the benefits of a contractual marriage. They want to be able to adopt children together, to make medical decisions for each other, and to pay less in taxes.
On the other hand marriage between two people with disabilities can cause financial hardship. Benefits two people receive can be adequate to live on, but if they marry it can be too little. Some types of disability housing is restricted to people who are single. Some people because of having guardians are not allowed to marry.
In both situations we make people's lives difficult because they have fallen in love. We don't allow gay people to marry and we make disabled people suffer if they do.
If we provide a penalty to people who have long term relationships - are we discouraging people from becoming strong and more unified?
Why is the government involved in our private lives? Why are there benefits to abled-bodied heterosexual couples who marry and none to homosexual couples who desire to and penalties to disabled people who choose to. This is unfairness at its core.
http://www.twincities.com/allheadlines/ci_6836410?nclick_check=1
On the other hand marriage between two people with disabilities can cause financial hardship. Benefits two people receive can be adequate to live on, but if they marry it can be too little. Some types of disability housing is restricted to people who are single. Some people because of having guardians are not allowed to marry.
In both situations we make people's lives difficult because they have fallen in love. We don't allow gay people to marry and we make disabled people suffer if they do.
If we provide a penalty to people who have long term relationships - are we discouraging people from becoming strong and more unified?
Why is the government involved in our private lives? Why are there benefits to abled-bodied heterosexual couples who marry and none to homosexual couples who desire to and penalties to disabled people who choose to. This is unfairness at its core.
http://www.twincities.com/allheadlines/ci_6836410?nclick_check=1
Monday, August 06, 2007
Lonely until
Yesterday my son went to camp. This morning my lover left for home. Today I am lonely. SO I will blog.
I won't miss Teddy tomorrow or the day after - as I will have settled into my solitary life. But today the house seems so quiet. No TV set on. No questions about what we are going to have for dinner or do tomorrow. No unnecessary lights on. No announcements of where he is going or that he is back. No one to feed the rabbits. No one to remind me to eat. Just me.
I don't get the chance to be lonely often. I sometimes think of Teddy and me being attached at the hip. I support him in the work he does. He supports me in the work I do. We enjoy doing the same things. I have to know where he is at all times. I never get to stop being responsible - no matter how independent he becomes.
I do get breaks from him. 4-5 hours in the summer when he goes to the pool or during the school year when he goes ot school. But the only time we are away from each other for more than a few hours is when he goes to camp for a week in August and December.
Rich is here when he leaves - so the first day Teddy is gone is rather blissful. A day where Rich and I can be alone with each other. We make love for hours on end without any concerns. We go to a wonderful romantic restaurant and I don't have to feel a bit of guilt for leaving Teddy home alone with his pizza. I feel more free than almost any other day of the year.
But than as is typical, Rich leaves and the silence without Teddy gets so loud. Today I miss Teddy. Today I feel a loss. Today I worry if he is having a good time and if he is fitting in. Today all my fears about a young man with Down syndrome going to a camp for teenagers without disabilities being OK are on alert. Today I worry. Today I miss the men I love. Today I blog.
Tomorrow I read uninterrupted. Tomorrow I play music all day. Tomorrow I cook with ingredients Teddy doesn't like. Tomorrow is mine and mine alone. Tomorrow will be wonderful!
I won't miss Teddy tomorrow or the day after - as I will have settled into my solitary life. But today the house seems so quiet. No TV set on. No questions about what we are going to have for dinner or do tomorrow. No unnecessary lights on. No announcements of where he is going or that he is back. No one to feed the rabbits. No one to remind me to eat. Just me.
I don't get the chance to be lonely often. I sometimes think of Teddy and me being attached at the hip. I support him in the work he does. He supports me in the work I do. We enjoy doing the same things. I have to know where he is at all times. I never get to stop being responsible - no matter how independent he becomes.
I do get breaks from him. 4-5 hours in the summer when he goes to the pool or during the school year when he goes ot school. But the only time we are away from each other for more than a few hours is when he goes to camp for a week in August and December.
Rich is here when he leaves - so the first day Teddy is gone is rather blissful. A day where Rich and I can be alone with each other. We make love for hours on end without any concerns. We go to a wonderful romantic restaurant and I don't have to feel a bit of guilt for leaving Teddy home alone with his pizza. I feel more free than almost any other day of the year.
But than as is typical, Rich leaves and the silence without Teddy gets so loud. Today I miss Teddy. Today I feel a loss. Today I worry if he is having a good time and if he is fitting in. Today all my fears about a young man with Down syndrome going to a camp for teenagers without disabilities being OK are on alert. Today I worry. Today I miss the men I love. Today I blog.
Tomorrow I read uninterrupted. Tomorrow I play music all day. Tomorrow I cook with ingredients Teddy doesn't like. Tomorrow is mine and mine alone. Tomorrow will be wonderful!
A bit of sunshine...
A person I met thru my message board has had a very very hard time of things lately. His girlfriend inspired my post about the whether people with psychiatric labels like Borderline Personality disorder should parent. Since that post things with her got much worse.
This young woman drove her car into a tree. She has been in a coma now for over 2 weeks. She broke many bones - some so badly they were removed. There is no way of knowing if she will recover and if she does what she will be like.
But this post is not about her, it is about her 7 month old daughter and her daughter's Dad. I have become very close to him. Worrying with him. Fearing the worst, wondering what the best could be. I have tried to help him help his daughter - who of course has no way of understanding why her life has been turned upside down. I have tried to support him wherever it is he needs to be as it fluctuates from moment to moment. He says he thinks of me like a mother - and I think of him like a son.
So when social services picked up their baby last week because he had no proof he was the father I cried. It was as if they snatched my son out of my arms. I remember all too well when my son was my foster child the tenuous hold I felt I had on him. I lived in fear that one day the foster care agency would say they had decided he needed a 2 parent home. I wanted what was best for him - but I felt in my heart I was what was best.
Today I also cried. Today she was returned to her father. They apologized and said they made a mistake. The midwife contacted them and evidently said the magic words. I feel as if my granddaughter is back home where she belongs. Sometimes there is a bit of sunshine where before there seemed to be none.
This young woman drove her car into a tree. She has been in a coma now for over 2 weeks. She broke many bones - some so badly they were removed. There is no way of knowing if she will recover and if she does what she will be like.
But this post is not about her, it is about her 7 month old daughter and her daughter's Dad. I have become very close to him. Worrying with him. Fearing the worst, wondering what the best could be. I have tried to help him help his daughter - who of course has no way of understanding why her life has been turned upside down. I have tried to support him wherever it is he needs to be as it fluctuates from moment to moment. He says he thinks of me like a mother - and I think of him like a son.
So when social services picked up their baby last week because he had no proof he was the father I cried. It was as if they snatched my son out of my arms. I remember all too well when my son was my foster child the tenuous hold I felt I had on him. I lived in fear that one day the foster care agency would say they had decided he needed a 2 parent home. I wanted what was best for him - but I felt in my heart I was what was best.
Today I also cried. Today she was returned to her father. They apologized and said they made a mistake. The midwife contacted them and evidently said the magic words. I feel as if my granddaughter is back home where she belongs. Sometimes there is a bit of sunshine where before there seemed to be none.
Monday, July 16, 2007
I'm rich because of Rich
I have a wonderful son, but I also have another wonderful man in my life. His name is Rich and he is a most extraordinary man. He has loved me for about 8 years. He lives about 700 miles due east of Teddy and me, but he is a part of my life every second of every day.
Our relationship is not typical in many ways. We spend part of most days on the phone with each other, or IMing, or emailing each other. Rich travels a lot for work and when not on the road works. He works a lot. Too much as far as I am concerned. But he makes an amazing amount of time for me - including a few days with me here and there.
This works out well for us. It might not work forever, but right now it meets both of our needs exactly. I can prioritize my son's needs and he can prioritize work. Together I think his work would suffer and eventually my son would feel left out. when we are together we are inclined to forget about the rest of the universe.
I would tell you Rich is one of the smartest men I know, but then his head might swell. So let it suffice to say that Rich is a geek extraordinaire. I am a closet geek and he has helped me in countless ways to take a few steps outside my comfort zone. Rich is part of the reason I am writing this blog, because he keeps telling me I should. So Rich this is for you!
Our relationship is not typical in many ways. We spend part of most days on the phone with each other, or IMing, or emailing each other. Rich travels a lot for work and when not on the road works. He works a lot. Too much as far as I am concerned. But he makes an amazing amount of time for me - including a few days with me here and there.
This works out well for us. It might not work forever, but right now it meets both of our needs exactly. I can prioritize my son's needs and he can prioritize work. Together I think his work would suffer and eventually my son would feel left out. when we are together we are inclined to forget about the rest of the universe.
I would tell you Rich is one of the smartest men I know, but then his head might swell. So let it suffice to say that Rich is a geek extraordinaire. I am a closet geek and he has helped me in countless ways to take a few steps outside my comfort zone. Rich is part of the reason I am writing this blog, because he keeps telling me I should. So Rich this is for you!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
