More sunshine

Today my friend said her first words since going into her coma 3 weeks ago. She said the name of her fiance. She doesn't remember she has a baby daughter. She doesn't remember the days of the week, and she can't feel her legs. And she has no idea what happened to her to get her in the hospital. But she is responsive. She feels pain. And she is getting better, albeit slowly.

Depression is a scary thing and should not be ignored. If a person says there life is too hard and they are doing things like not eating and cutting themselves and getting so drunk they don't remember what they did - those are warning signs to pay attention to. Don't be like my friend who decided one day that driving her car into a tree was easier than the life she was living. It isn't now and I doubt it ever will be. She has a very long road to whatever recovery she accomplishes.

A bit of sunshine...

A person I met thru my message board has had a very very hard time of things lately. His girlfriend inspired my post about the whether people with psychiatric labels like Borderline Personality disorder should parent. Since that post things with her got much worse.

This young woman drove her car into a tree. She has been in a coma now for over 2 weeks. She broke many bones - some so badly they were removed. There is no way of knowing if she will recover and if she does what she will be like.

But this post is not about her, it is about her 7 month old daughter and her daughter's Dad. I have become very close to him. Worrying with him. Fearing the worst, wondering what the best could be. I have tried to help him help his daughter - who of course has no way of understanding why her life has been turned upside down. I have tried to support him wherever it is he needs to be as it fluctuates from moment to moment. He says he thinks of me like a mother - and I think of him like a son.

So when social services picked up their baby last week because he had no proof he was the father I cried. It was as if they snatched my son out of my arms. I remember all too well when my son was my foster child the tenuous hold I felt I had on him. I lived in fear that one day the foster care agency would say they had decided he needed a 2 parent home. I wanted what was best for him - but I felt in my heart I was what was best.

Today I also cried. Today she was returned to her father. They apologized and said they made a mistake. The midwife contacted them and evidently said the magic words. I feel as if my granddaughter is back home where she belongs. Sometimes there is a bit of sunshine where before there seemed to be none.

Discomfort with my values

I've been communicating with a woman and now her boyfriend on my sex support site about her various medical conditions and my concern for their child. As her boyfriend gets more detailed about her various mental illnesses (she is an anorexic cutter with borderline personality disorder who is now in hospital with myocarditis) - I find myself saying things I feel need to be said to protect the child, but feel very unaccepting of the mom and who she is.

Can a woman with a mental illness be a good mom? Of course she can.

Is this still true if she refuses to get counseling or medication to help her, and facing serious medical complications, and is having suicidal thoughts? I'm not sure, but I think not.

If you support a person's right to refuse to be mediated or to get counseling when they have a mental illness (as I do) - then why is it different when she has a child? Does a seven month old child trump what a mom thinks is best for herself?

Is it the responsibility of a woman who is a mother to subject herself to medication and counseling if she becomes a mom? If she thought it was best for her before she became a mom why is it different after she becomes a mom?

Is it ok to take risks when you don't have another person to be responsible for? but what if what the medications do to you is an unacceptable risk and you think they will make you a bad mother?

Is it OK for a mom to feel suicidal? Is it OK to be a cutter or a have a diagnosis of some sort and refuse treatment, but once you feel suicidal that means you have to accept help?

If you have a history of feeling suicidal, should you not be allowed to have children? Does everyone have the right to conceive, to parent? Is it unfair to prevent a person who hasn't done anything wrong except to happen to have a mental illness from having a child? Isn't that like punishing someone for what you think they will do rather that what they have done?

But then there is the child.

Do we as a community of adults have the responsibility to take educated guesses about how fit a person is to parent? If that is the case then what other people should we make educated guesses about? - women who are poorly educated? women who are racist? women who are unmarried? women with labels of mental retardation?

How do we know who makes a fit parent? I am sure there are women who fit every "typical" label that exists and can still not be good at parenting. Or can anyone be a 'good enough' parent if we all surround our children in our communities with support? Is it too much to expect any mom to do it all?

So is the answer for this mom I am trying to help is to say - it is your choice not to get treatment, it is your choice to live with your mental illness without medication, but if that is your choice you have to accept help/ intervention from the community that is concerned with the welfare of your child? I wish I knew.